Stephan's Daily Adventures and Mishaps.

Since my pursuit. By this time around, I had a sure feeling that I’d be incredible in a year’s time. I pushed and pushed and pushed. I’m back here a year later; nowhere near incredible but surely improved. I’ve become a person that I think I could be proud of if I continue putting in the efforts.

Lately I’ve become lazy. The motivation of not getting laid which worked great in the past just isn’t working for me anymore.. I think I have started to realize that maybe I want to get involved with someone. Maybe a little relationship would be good for me. I dont really want to deal with the stupid drama but it’s just something that comes with relationships. I want to be out there doing things, experiencing the exciting.

I have made many choices that took me where I am now. I like where I am and I want to do great things with my situation. I hope I get to be in a top position. I need to get higher. I need the things many only dream of. I’m not an ordinary person with an ordinary day to day life. routine is good but only if you want to get stuck.

Life is about spontaneity. I will live life as it comes. and decide life as I want. I will steer life through waves of opportunity.

I want this. more than anything I want to win. I will get there.

People go out of their ways to look for a sense of belonging.

For people to spend time with; socialize.

People often change their core values so fit in.

Many times, their efforts are fruitless.

This is because their personalities are weak.

They were never meant for lasting friendships and social success.

However, there are a few that succeed.

These people were always meant for greatness but never had a chance to show it.

These people were always going to win.

I am one of those people.

Surrounded by negativity and bad influences, there was little chance for growth and development.

Things have changed. I have changed. And this new beginning is one of the many things in my new life that I welcome with open arms.

I’m not perfect; not even close. Still very rough around the edges. But I know I’m going to be big some day. I can feel it.

Destined for greatness.

It’s not a hotel.

He’s my friend. He was my friend.

One of the better friends I had.

I can certainly not call him my favourite friend but I have nothing but regret from not thinking in that point of view.

He was a great person. kind and caring individual with a straight attitude towards life.

Optimistic, and always looking for fun things to do.

He had stories of adventures in BC and loved talking about longboard gear.

An irreplaceable person; an irreplaceable friend.

He was always there to skate and shred a hill with me but I turned him down more times than I am proud to say.

He’s gone.

He has been for almost a year.

It has been tough, knowing that a person you cared about is suddenly non-existent..

but then again, all death is hard to deal with.. no?

the only other person that has been taken out of my life was my grandfather.. on my dad’s side.. he passed on christmas eve.. To be honest, i lived my life as i always have.. his passing didnt affect me. mostly because the memories i have of him are of him lying on his bed, sick. the conversations i had with him were hi, hello, good bye.

I never had much of a grandfather.

Friends, it’s different.

Losing a friend, it’s different.

Losing a friend to a sport that you frequently took part in together?

Not to be selfish… but that could have been me!

I would have been up there if i hadn’t worked that weekend..

I would have seen the whole thing!

THEN HOW WOULD IT HAVE BEEN?

I could have been him. on life support for 21 days, with my family by my side knowing i wouldn’t make it. having false hope and optimism just to be crushed TWENTY ONE DAYS LATER.

I use his story to promote safety. Dozens of us use that exact story to remind longboarders and other sporting participants alike, that your brain is not worth risking. bones will heal but your brain, it might never..

some understand. some are moved.. some ignore and live their life..

You cant change the whole world..

Hilton, I know you’re there reading this.

I know you’re with me every push.

I know you’re at peace and happy.

I’ll come by and see you one of these days..

I miss you Hilton….

just wait a while,

we’ll all be there bombing the greatest hill beside you!

I can not have you in my life anymore. 

It’s hard to live when something that defined you who you were is gone. you have to fill the void with other things.

for me, there is my pursuit. my pursuit to find things that can make me and define me again.

today, i was weak. i made a big mistake of going on your tumblr account. It is the only thing that connects us together. It’s the only thing that I can’t let go of..

I went. and read. and it reminded me of old times. it reminded me of why our separation happened. I was deeply saddened; almost in tears. I was reminded of the stupid fights we had for no reason.

Then as i as doing my Ordinary Differential Equations assignment, i found you again. your stupid fucking notes. the same fucking stupid fucks that tell me how great i am. how loving i am. how amazing i am. All lies. I couldn’t even read it. It did make me upset. and I have yet to cry. maybe this whole thing still haven’t really sunk in yet.. maybe subconsciously, im still at a state of confusion. well i guess i kinda am. i dont really know whats going on. Who am i?

And I had no idea my friend, i dont know who, asked you to change your password. I will assure you that you will not be contacted by any of them. They are all great friends. All giving me advice when the love in my heart is being wrung out.

And I don’t think this is healthy. me. writing. directed at you. it makes me feel as though you are still a major part of my life. and i cant have that. i have to get over you. can you not see its killing me? I wake up to the thought of you and go to sleep with the same. I cant help it that everything reminds me of you. it talk about you so much that my roommates, friends, random people on the street are so annoyed.

I cant be that guy anymore. I have to continue on my life. you were merely a bus stop, one of many to come.

Do i sound cold? because im trying to.

I gave you a chance to talk to me. but apparently my throne is too high for me. apparently the endless hurt and depression doesnt count for anything. apparently trying to cope with what was a deeply saddening experience is just fucking unacceptable.

forgive me if i sound so defensive. but I am not in a situation to be attacked and pushed around this way. I dont need thoughts of you in my every waking moment in life.

please dont misunderstand me. and how you see me behind that laptop screen of yours. This was my only outlet to let out my feelings and agree with myself and you took that away from me.

This will be the last ever post/re-blog/whatever.

I hoped that we could remain friends. And i really was going to be there for you. I just couldn’t do it right now. it would have been stupid. I would have never gotten over you. maybe you were over me before you even dumped me, but it’s going to take me months and months to even stop thinking about you. I was going to be there then. When i would not fall into my own trap. when i wouldn’t be confused. when i can showoff myself as a much better person.

your insensitivity towards me is appalling. I have never been so stepped over. I thought highschool was pretty much the worst it’s going to get. thanks for reminding me once again how much of a fucking champion i am.

I hope you have a great life. and dont you ever accuse me of being a liar. I have NEVER lied. if you still have doubts that the almost 1 year time that we spent together was all so that i could get in your pants, you can go fuck yourself.